Resume Advice to an MPH Candidate Seeking an Internship
Dear Potential Intern:
When you use words like “assiduous” on your resume, you make your prospective internship mentor, i.e. me, feel dumb, and she just doesn’t like that. You want this internship, right? It comes with a decent stipend. Next time, use “caring”, because not only does that comply with health literacy standards, you will not dampen the ego of an established public health professional who deludes herself into thinking she knows her shit.
Sincerely and “Assiduously”,
Me, Your Potential Internship Mentor
P.S. Use that expansive vocabulary of yours and find better a better action word than “Aid”. If I see it any more times, I will “aid” your resume to the bottom of the pile.
P.P.S. Your past experience needs to be written in past tense, thank you. Unless, that is, you are still performing all those functions.
P.P.P.S. I don’t care where you went to high school. You’re in grown-up people school, now. It doesn’t belong in your resume. And, for the record, your first school listed should be the one you are currently attending. I am lazy and unwilling to read beyond the first few lines.
“Whenever I get dumped, I nail the door shut so that no one can come inside, get a towel and clip it around my neck so it’s like a Superman cape, take off my shoes so I can slide across the room, and…get a fake mic, like a celery stick or a pen, and I play any record that features the vocalist Ronnie James Dio. And you can just pretend you’re Dio, because on every album he does, he has minimum one, usually three, EVIL WOMAN LOOK OUT!- songs. And if you wanna point like Dio, it’s a three-finger point. (heavy metal voice) ‘The exit is that way. Evil LURKS! Evil lurks in twilight! Dances in the DARK! Evil woman! Just WALK AWAY!’”—Henry Rollins
“Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives…and to the “good life”, whatever it is and wherever it happens to be.”—~ Hunter S. Thompson (via gatekeeper)
If you choose to shirk your duties and vacate your desk yet again, please have the courtesy to turn off your speakers so I don’t have to harm my delicate sensibilities with your random playlist of Creed, Sugarland, Edwin McCain, Goo Goo Dolls, Foreigner, and other awful easy-listening options. What happened to the Old Crow Medicine Show CDs I burned for you? I thought you could take a hint. I won’t ever underestimate the depth of your taste again.
“When we’re incomplete, we’re always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we’re still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on- series polygamy- until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimension to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”—Tom Robbins, from “Still Life with Woodpecker”